The Healing Power of Self-Compassion

Most of us are familiar with the topics of self-esteem and self-love, but I want to share a psychological concept with you that I think is far more valuable. The topic I want to explore with you is self-compassion.

To thoroughly explore the topic of self-compassion, we need to lay a foundation of the psychology of compassion first. This article will provide you with:

·        an introduction to the psychology of compassion,

·        a review of the science behind the benefits of self-compassion,

·        a quick overview of Compassion Focused Therapy,

·        and ideas of how to bring the healing power of self-compassion into our own daily lives.

Keep reading to learn about the healing power of self-compassion.

The Psychology of Compassion

So, what came to mind for you when I introduced that the topic for this article was compassion? Perhaps terms like care, concern, love, or kindness popped into your mind. Some people also think of compassion as feeling sorry for someone or about something.

Dr. Paul Gilbert, who is a clinical psychologist from the UK, founder of a type of psychotherapy called Compassion Focused Therapy, and recipient of the British Order of Chivalry for his contributions to mental healthcare, gives us a precise definition of compassion. He called compassion a “sensitivity to suffering in self and others with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it.” Gilbert often makes mention of us humans having “tricky brains that are prone to suffering.” Because of this, learning how the brain functions is a key part of Compassion Focused Therapy.

Compassion has been long understood in philosophical and spiritual teachings to play a key role in healing from suffering, but only recently has scientific research given attention to compassion. It was not until the 1990s that psychological research on compassion got started.

Gilbert and other scientists take a biopsychosocial approach to understanding and researching  compassion. This means biology, psychology, and social contexts are all considered when scientifically researching the concept of compassion. The biological piece of understanding compassion is heavily rooted in evolutionary theory. This means there is going to be an emphasis on survival, reproduction, and motives.

Humans, and all other life forms for that matter, have 3 main motives:

·        1st to avoid harm,

·        2nd to secure resources for our survival and reproduction,

·        3rd to rest when we’re safe.

Any species that is under a threat or actively seeking resources, cannot engage their rest and digest bodily functions.

Mammals evolved to have basic motives related to caring behavior and include:

·        rescuing if in danger,

·        feeding if hungry,

·        and warming if cold.

Caring is thought to be a precursor to compassion. When discussing caring and compassion, we’re in the realm of social co-evolution. Gilbert eloquently refers to social co-evolution as “interpersonal dances.” To bring this term to life a bit, consider the different roles one can experience when it comes to caring – perhaps it is to give or to receive care. Gilbert also points out: “We can be compassionate towards others, open to receiving compassion towards us from others, and be self-compassionate.”

After 3 decades of scientific research in the area of compassion, we now know much about what occurs at the physiological level during caring behaviors. The hormones oxytocin and vasopressin have essential functions when it comes to caring for infants and also in what psychological researchers call pair bonding as is the case with romantic partners. We also have the vagus nerve, which plays a primary role in the parasympathetic rest and digest system. Specifically, the parent or caregiver can stimulate the calming effects of the parasympathetic nervous system in the infant who is hardwired to receive these soothing behaviors.

Attachment and Compassion

Attachment theory is also relevant to the psychology of compassion and here Gilbert considered the work of psychiatrist John Bowlby, a pioneer in research on attachment. There are three core functions of attachment:

1)     First, we have what is called Proximity seeking and maintenance, which refers to instinctual behaviors designed to ensure access and availability to a caring other, staying close to each other for protection and care, if lost to find and rescue, and if hungry to feed.

2)     The second core function of attachment is the secure base. This is an environment that is free from threat. This secure base is made possible by parents or other caregivers’ watching over infants and allows them to explore and learn about their world.

3)     The third core function of attachment is a safe haven. This is where the parent or other caregiver soothes the infant and helps the infant to regulate their emotions. Humans are biologically designed to expect and need emotion regulation to come from an outside source. The functions of the vagus nerve are at play here. We see this need for outside support throughout the lifespan, not just in the infant and parent or caregiver relationship. This is why reaching out for social support, like talking to someone when we’re in emotional distress, helps us get through challenging situations. 

There is a classic study related to attachment theory that I want to reference here. It’s taught in most psychology 101 courses and was conducted by Harry Harlow. He studied infant monkeys and gave them the option of 2 different types of surrogate mothers. These surrogate mothers were not actual monkeys, they were more like a basic robot contraption of sorts. One of the surrogate mothers was made mostly of a soft terry cloth, but did not provide any food to the infant monkeys. The other surrogate mother did provide food to the infant monkeys, but she was made only of wire. The infant monkeys were more likely to choose the surrogate mother made of terry cloth, but who did not provide food. Findings from this study led to the conclusion that physical contact, rather than feeding, is more essential for soothing. I do want to mention that Harlow’s study was conducted very early on and there are far more protections in place these days for research involving animals. Not to mention humans, too.

So, returning to the core functions of attachment, we need a secure base to explore or better understand the world and a safe haven to soothe. Both are needed for, and involved with, secure attachment. If care is absent or in those heart breaking and extreme instances where abuse or neglect has occurred, insecure attachment can result and along with it the potential for mental health difficulties in the future.

Gilbert said: “when we are distressed, suffer setbacks, or disappointments rather than having an internal secure base and safe haven, we activate the threat system through harsh self-criticism.” I want to point out that it is only a potential for mental health difficulties, they’re not inevitable. There are many factors that can increase our resiliency if there were disruptions during the infant attachment phase. These resiliency factors can protect us from mental health difficulties later in our lives.

Giving us a little more foundation on the psychology of compassion, Gilbert explained how it’s widely accepted that compassion is a social process that was particularly adaptive during hunter gatherer times of the human species. This is when groups were small and they shared resources. The research refers to this as a time of human caring and sharing. The more competitive intentions we see in the world today can be traced back to the development of agriculture and tribalism. 

The Psychology of Self-Compassion

It would be impossible to describe the healing power of self-compassion without referencing and honoring the work of Dr. Kristin Neff. She is acclaimed as one of the world's most influential research psychologists.

In psychological research, the tests, questionnaires, and surveys we use have to hit certain acceptable levels of being valid and reliable methods for measuring the topic of interest. Dr. Neff developed the first scale to measure self-compassion in psychological research. This was about 20 years ago and was a huge contribution to the field of psychology. Since then, Neff has developed multiple versions of self-compassion scales.

A definition of self-compassion begins with what we already know about compassion from Dr. Gilbert – that there is an awareness of some suffering along with the desire to diminish it. In this case, it involves awareness of our own suffering with a commitment to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding. When practicing self-compassion, we ask, how can I comfort myself right now?

Three Elements of Self-Compassion

Dr. Kristin Neff describes 3 elements of self-compassion. We might also consider these the 3 dimensions of self-compassion. 

The first element of self-compassion is loving self-kindness versus self-judgment. This element connects to our tendency to say overly harsh and critical things to ourselves that we would never say to a loved one. That’s the opposite of kindness to oneself, and highlights our tendency for harsh self-judgment. Neff points out that our self-judgment can be so intense at times, that we say things to ourselves that we would also not say to people who we don’t even like.  

The second element of self-compassion is common humanity versus isolation. When practicing this element of self-compassion, we’re asking how am I the same as others? Neff points out that part of the shared human experience is that we’re all flawed. Every single one of us. We often struggle to see that though and look at our own personal failures as unacceptable and that there must be something wrong with us. When in the true state of reality, we all have imperfections.

The third element of self-compassion is mindfulness versus over-identification. With this component of self-compassion, we are bringing our attention to the present moment. Mindfulness is an element of self-compassion because if we are not mindful, then we cannot notice we are suffering nor can we notice how we are treating ourselves in that moment of suffering. Neff describes that within the self-compassion framework, mindfulness is in opposition to over-identification because we need some level of distance from our thoughts and feelings. Remember with mindfulness, we are simply noticing and observing our thoughts and feelings and, as related to self-compassion, we are noticing our suffering and how we’re treating ourselves without getting overly wrapped up in the thoughts and feelings that are involved.

When we put these 3 elements together, Neff would say self-compassion feels like: loving-connected-presence.

Rewinding a bit here, back to the self-compassion element of self-kindness versus harsh self-judgment, you might be wondering, why is it that we beat ourselves up mentally anyways? Neff points to false beliefs, held by many in our society, that we must criticize ourselves in order to have motivation and that kindness is related to laziness. In both cases, the opposite is true though.  

Highlighting the biopsychosocial approach we take to understanding compassion, specifically as related to self-compassion, our fight or flight response can kick in when we engage in self-judgment. We’re vulnerable to our bodies perceiving this self-critical way of treating ourselves as a threat. Even though this old brain threat defense system of ours evolved to protect us from dangers in our physical environment to our actual physical bodies – specifically by releasing cortisol and adrenaline to aid us in fighting the danger or fleeing from it – our threat defense system can also respond in this way when there are threats to our self-concept.

In the case of harsh and critical self-judgment, we are simultaneously attacking ourselves mentally while the threat defense system in our bodies is trying to protect us from this attack. Staying stuck in fight or flight mode like this can block our motivation and the long-term consequences of heightened stress levels, like high levels of cortisol from repeated self-criticism, is related to increases in depression. And, back to the false belief that we need to be harsh on ourselves to stay motivated, depressed mood is certainly not conducive to motivation.  

Drawing on the theory of infant attachment discussed earlier, we can better understand self-compassion throughout the lifespan. Self-compassion can be thought of as functioning like a good parent to ourselves so that we can stimulate the calming parasympathetic effects on our own. And, when might we need those calming effects? Typically, at times of increased stress or anxiety. From this biopsychosocial lens, heightened levels of stress and anxiety can be viewed as not just responding to a threat, but lacking the internal resources to soothe and comfort as well.

Psychological Benefits of Self-Compassion

Dr. Neff explains that when it comes to trying to feel safe, we’re not limited only to the functions of the old brain, like shifting into fight or flight mode. We can also tap into the soothing power of the mammalian caregiving system. She reminds us that our bodies are programmed to respond to warmth, gentle touch, and soft vocalizations. Oxytocin, one of those feel-good hormones, is then released into our bodies and with it comes increased feelings of trust, calm, and safety, all of which facilitate the ability to feel compassion for ourselves. When we feel safe and comforted in this way, Dr. Neff emphasizes that we are in the optimal mind state to do our best.

Findings from Neff’s numerous research studies support that self-compassion is associated with lower levels of:

·        anxiety,

·        stress,

·        perfectionism,

·        and depression.

And, self-compassion is associated with higher levels of factors associated with mental well-being including:

·        happiness,

·        life satisfaction,

·        taking greater personal responsibility,

·        higher levels of motivation, healthier lifestyle choices,

·        and better interpersonal relationships.

Self-Esteem and Self-Love

I want to briefly touch upon some psychological concepts that are related too, but different from self-compassion. Most of us are more familiar with the topics of self-esteem and self-love than self-compassion. So, I want to highlight a few research findings related to self-esteem and self-love that led me to the conclusion that the topic of self-compassion had the potential to be a far more impactful concept to share with my readers.  

In addition to self-compassion, Dr. Neff has done extensive research on the topic of self-esteem as well. Self-esteem is a global judgment of our self-worth, in which we’re either “good” or “bad” or have “high” or “low” self-esteem for examples. There is indeed research that shows low self-esteem is associated with all sorts of psychological problems, so for a long time the field of psychology supported developing high self-esteem, but high self-esteem is not necessarily a good thing all the time. It all depends on how that high self-esteem developed in the first place. With self-esteem, we often have to perceive ourselves as better than others to feel good about ourselves. We typically need to feel that we are above average in a certain area of life. But thinking about it from a logical perspective, we realize that it’s actually mathematically impossible for everyone to be above average. So, in order to feel above average, we build ourselves up in different ways, but a drawback is, we might also push others down to feel better about ourselves.

Neff has recommended self-compassion as psychology’s replacement for self-esteem. She explained that “self-compassion has all the benefits of self-esteem without the pitfalls.” For example, self-compassion is also associated with stronger mental health, but not narcissism or constant social comparisons like we see with self-esteem. Self-compassion also provides a more stable sense of self-worth. As Neff says, self-compassion is there for us precisely when we fail while self-esteem deserts us just when we needed it most. When we experience a fall or setback of some sort, self-compassion is there for us with support not because we’re special, above average, or hit some sort of amazing achievement in life. But because we, like any other human on this earth, are deserving of care and kindness, including our own care and kindness.  

When it comes to the concept of self-love, Dr. Neff considers that self-compassion has a loving quality, but that the concept of self-love does not capture it all. Self-love can also involve self-absorption or even narcissism at the extremes. With this in mind, self-love can be viewed as another concept that is not as stable as self-compassion and also brings some downsides with it. So, now you can see, why I had to go with self-compassion over self-esteem or self-love for this article.

Compassion Focused Therapy: A Brief Introduction

Now with our foundations of the psychology of compassion and self-compassion set, let’s explore how the research informs the practice of Compassion Focused Therapy. This is a good spot for me to mention that I will not be providing a comprehensive guide to Compassion Focused Therapy. Rather, I’ll be highlighting portions consistent with this brief introduction. So as a little caution for anyone who is looking for more of an ultimate guide approach to Compassion Focused Therapy, I’d recommend going straight to Gilbert’s works for that. 

So, what is Compassion Focused Therapy? Gilbert described it as an “integrative, multidisciplinary, process-based therapy that utilizes insights and wisdoms from many of the main schools of psychotherapy.”

Let’s break that down. When it comes to therapy, integrative means pulling together in an intentional and meaningful way. Multidisciplinary means pulling from different disciplines or fields. In the case of Compassion Focused Therapy, we’re including not just psychological but also biological and social contextual understandings. The process-based part of the definition refers to the flexibility it gives therapists to mix evidence-based processes from different types of evidence-based therapies as opposed to being restricted to only one type of therapy. On the therapy client side of things, it really allows their therapy to be highly customized to their individual needs and preferences.

Compassion Focused Therapy maintains that we experience what Gilbert calls the big 3 responses to life traumas or tragedies, those being: anger, anxiety, and sadness. Compassion Focused Therapy helps us to notice our different emotions, notice how they might be in conflict with one another, and find compassionate ways to have one emotion work with the other.

Just noticing and observing is a core part of practicing mindfulness as mentioned in the practice’s recent blog post: The Remarkable Psychological Benefits of Mindfulness for Stress and Anxiety. Given that mindfulness is key to developing a compassionate mind state, it is one of the many practices integrated into Compassion Focused Therapy.

Compassion Focused Therapy: Style and Approaches

Gilbert explains that Compassion Focused Therapy encourages human competencies that promote facing suffering (as opposed to avoiding it) and competencies that enable wise action. The human competencies that help us achieve these aims are: knowing awareness, empathic awareness, and knowing intentionally. It is these human competencies that take caring behaviors seen in all mammals to that of compassion that is unique to humans. These are all forms of self-awareness, basically that we are aware we can know things, that we are aware we can be empathic, and that we can intentionally direct our efforts at knowing.

When describing how these competencies are used in therapy, I really can’t say it any better than Dr. Gilbert:

“Compassion Focused Therapy engages in a lot of psychoeducation [that is, providing education on psychological matters] Compassion Focused Therapy engages in a lot of psychoeducation to help clients develop the wisdom of how and why the brain is tricky and then develop competencies for processes such as mindfulness, how to use our minds for imagining things that are helpful, to learn perspective taking and reasoning in ways that are going to be helpful, to behave in ways that are going to be helpful, to use our bodies to support our minds, such as using breathing exercises or maybe taking physical exercise or attending to diet or learning assertiveness.”

Therapists who practice Compassion Focused Therapy regularly remind their clients that we were born into these bodies of ours with these “tricky brains,” as Gilbert would say, that we did not choose, that we experience an array of motives and emotions – panic or fear for example – that we did not choose, and we are born into a time and place with circumstances that we also did not choose. Compassion Focused Therapists assist their clients with motive switching from competition to compassion. From the threat system to the soothing system. 

Difficult or even emotionally painful earlier life experiences can present us with challenges when it comes to being compassionate towards ourselves and others. Caring strategies evolved within environments of trust, as opposed to those that were threatening, unstable, or neglectful. Research shows that for people who experienced earlier environments that were considered threatening, unstable, or neglectful, that the difficulties tend to be more in the area of receiving compassion as opposed to showing compassion to others. It’s important to note here though, that the difficulty with receiving compassion applies to receiving compassion from ourselves, too.

The therapeutic value of compassion is often misconstrued as having to be nice or kind all the time or perhaps even being weak. At its heart though, the therapeutic value of compassion is about wisdom, courage, and a commitment to being helpful, not harmful, to oneself and others.

Integrating Self-Compassion into Our Daily Lives

Compassion Focused Therapists support their clients with integrating self-compassion into their daily lives. We will wrap up this article with some suggestions and tips for bringing more self-compassion into our own lives.

Practicing mindfulness can be considered a path to self-compassion. I recently created a guided mindfulness meditation that focuses on being with our suffering, opening to our actual experience, and tapping into how we can give ourselves the same care and concern we would give to a loved one. If you would like to give this mindfulness meditation a try, you can find it right here:

• Guided Mindfulness Meditation: Reflecting on Self-Compassion

Keeping in mind that mindfulness is a core element of self-compassion, I want to point out that any practice of mindfulness that aids us in developing the skills of noticing and observing without judgment will help us with noticing and observing any suffering we may be experiencing and how we are treating ourselves during those moments of suffering.

We also want to remember the importance of acceptance when practicing mindfulness and especially with a self-compassion mindfulness practice. With self-compassion we are recognizing and facing our suffering. We are not trying to run away from it or push it down in some way. Without the acceptance piece, focusing on one’s suffering could make the situation worse for us. Remember acceptance does not mean we like the current situation, but it is through accepting that we are experiencing suffering that we can then begin our attempts to alleviate that suffering.

The next suggestion for bringing more self-compassion into one’s life is soothing self-touch. Dr. Neff explains that this approach allows us tap into our mammalian caregiving system and alter our body chemistry with the release of those feel-good hormones. While our bodies response to physical touch originally evolved in the context of infant-caregiver attachment, our bodies generally respond in calming ways to caring physical touch throughout our lifespans and while the source of that physical touch can be from someone else, it can also come from ourselves. Placing one’s hand on the heart or wrapping yourself in your own warm embrace are both ways we can bring on a calming response.   

Another approach for bringing more self-compassion into our lives, is to consider how we speak to ourselves. We can show ourselves compassion in the type of self-talk in which we engage for example. So many people say harsh, critical, and harmful things to themselves all the time. Things that we would never say to a friend or loved one, but here we are mentally beating ourselves up, left and right.

If we notice a tendency towards harsh self-judgement or self-criticism, reframing these types of thoughts might be something to try. We can look at the content of our thoughts and ask, are these words during my time of suffering comforting or are they perpetuating my suffering? Are these words during my time of suffering something I would say to a loved one or friend? We can then look for opportunities to reframe our thoughts to be comforting and caring.

In closing, I want to provide some general tips when trying to bring more self-compassion into your life. With any of these approaches, I want to encourage patience with the self-compassion learning curve. Self-compassion can be a major shift in how we are used to approaching our own suffering. Giving ourselves kindness and warmth may feel foreign if we have subscribed to the belief that so many of us have – that we need to be tough on ourselves to stay motivated and hit our goals. If you’re struggling to make the shift towards compassion, it may be easier to think first of how you would help someone else and then gradually work on applying that same type of care to yourself.

It's also possible that some people experience a flood of feelings when first opening their hearts to loving kindness as is the way with self-compassion. While facing our own suffering does take courage and is not easy, the spirit of self-compassion is not about putting ourselves in situations that are emotionally overwhelming. If self-compassion approaches seem too much – or at least too much for right now - in terms of facing any suffering you may have experienced, then it may be wise to shift to other coping skills with which you have more familiarity.

If you’re looking for quality psychotherapy that is highly customized to your individual needs and preferences, maybe compassion focused therapy is right for you? Dr. Jennifer McManus is a licensed psychologist who uses the psychology of compassion in her integrative approach to therapy. Feel free to reach out to the practice to learn more. You can schedule a complimentary consultation, email, or call the office at 866-706-3665.